Models for the New Economy
management has limited experience operating a business, has had
no experience in managing and operating a business development company,
and has little or no experience in corporate finance and corporate
mergers" - Prospectus warning from
UTEK, a business development company that finances new technologies
Let's take a
closer look at some of the most blatantly idiotic internet business
models that got some people rich and left a lot of others scratching
their heads and wondering what went wrong.
Pay users 53 cents an hour to surf, plus referrals. Pay $40 million
within 3 months. Hire competent tech people to keep users from cheating.
Run out of money. Go bankrupt.
pThisq pcompanyq pthoughtq pbuildingq paq pbusinessq paroundq pwebsiteq
pURLsq pstartingq pwithq P pandq pendingq pwithq Q pwasq paq pgoodq
Create your own money. Realize that your money will never usurp
conventional U.S. currency. Become laughing stock.
(Virtumundo): Entice users to the site by duping them into trying
to click on a monkey's head in a banner. Surfer clicks anywhere
on banner and gets to site. The user can now click all over an image
of a money tree with promises to win cash. Meanwhile, monkeys "drop
clues" while asking for user's personal information and promising
"Banana Bucks" (we're not sure what the current exchange
rate is between 'Banana Bucks' and 'Beenz') Company now has huge
list of monkey names, email addresses, and interests. Monkey advertisers
purchase names and spam monkeys. Monkeys get angry and switch from
Yahoo to Hotmail for email services.
Sell things to people for cheaper than they cost. Have CEO make
appearances on otherwise legitimate news programs evangelizing the
idea. "We sell a substantial portion of our products at very
low prices. As a result, we have extremely low and sometimes negative
gross margins on our product sales" . Stick banner ads all
over the place to try to recover the money. Realize that it doesn't
work. Find another hyped buzzword (B2B). Change business model.
Gather as many sites as you can that attract those good old "eyeballs".
Since there are apparently no copyright laws on the web, these sites
should be collections of non-copyrighted jokes and images. Common
content includes tit tattoos, mutilated penises, and sexually explicit
cartoons, like Fred Flintstone getting blown by Betty Rubble. Make
sure at least one ad loads per picture view. Make about 100 grand
a month in revenue from hapless advertisers who will see you at
the bankruptcy line
make plans to meet on beach in Fiji with
advertisers. Get bought out by ugo.com.
Here's a simple one. Offer items for much higher prices than available
at a store, promise rebates that will bring the actual price down
to next to nothing, then delay or just flat out don't pay the rebate.
Wait a few months. Show the courts how much revenue you were bringing
in. File Chapter 11, then retire.
Entice George Shaheen to leave Andersen Consulting to be the CEO.
Expand operations before ever proving the concept of profit. Get
Shaheen to leave by paying him over $300,000 for life. Die.
"We now have the money we need to complete our vision of crushing
the old-line media behemoths" - James Cramer, Co-founder. This
business model was great: up-to-the second financial news for such
companies as theglobe.com
com? Never mind.
trying to find Microsoft on the internet, but you have
no idea where to go? Tired of struggling with difficult search engines?
And who can keep all those domain name endings in order? It's like
trying to order from a Chinese restaurant menu and not having any
pictures or descriptions, right? Enter Realnames! Just type in "Microsoft"
and automatically you'll go right to that nebulous web address,
"Microsoft.com". Now how's that for astonishing?!