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Dot Conned Career Opportunity Guide

1. CEO
The dot com CEO comes in 2 varieties. The first is the "Gee Whiz I started this company in a basement" Kid. He's usually a total geek whose peculiar habits are worshipped and made legend by the adoring fools that surround him. Some of these guys are still around, though the majority of the smart ones cashed in on their options and have long since retired, all the while laughing at the ridiculous admiration surrounding him.

The second CEO is the 40-or-50-something who convinced some VC's to shell out millions of dollars because he or she was successful in another industry. Money was usually obtained by adding "dot com" to said CEO's present company (i.e. toiletpaperrollsdirect.com). Most of these guys are not around any more, since the millions they received were spent long ago, followed by good ol' chapter 11. A good portion of these were hired guns from the "old economy" - who proceeded to collect a few million, fuck things up real good, then go back to the "old economy". "I'm clearly an NBA player, and this was a pickup game" - Lloyd Ward, former CEO of Maytag and proud father of outdoorliving.com and iMotors.com, 2 blockbusting web businesses that went to hell.

2. Product Manager
It's good to be a product manager. This is because you get paid a lot and, ironically, you need not understand the product, nor do you have to manage a damn thing! Product Managers are good at leafing through marketing reports that are put out by companies that have a stake in forcing useless technology on an unsuspecting dot-commized population. We don't know where they get their market data or revenue projections, but they sure do look good, especially when presented by Product Managers! Product Managers are also excellent at conducting focus groups to generate even more scientifically defective, but very attractive, "data".

3. Sales
Dot com sales people are not supposed to know the product they are selling. We think this is a general business rule no matter what industry one chooses to work in, but it is especially true in dot com land. A sales person should have absolutely nothing to do with the product being sold. In fact, the less one knows about it, the easier it is to say, "Sure - we can do that!" to prospects. If they really knew that the product or service was useless, they may encounter moral dilemmas that are damaging to the bottom line. Keeping a sales person as ignorant as possible just makes good business sense. We suggest employing a motivational speaker to speak to your sales force at least once a month to instill a constant sense of false self-determination.

4. Sales Engineers
This is an amusing title in and of itself. "Hey - I'm not personable or malleable enough to do sales, but I'm too stupid to be a real engineer". Sales engineering alleviates the techie from having to code all day and alleviates the sales person from having to meet quotas, cold call, or bullshit on the phone. In this way, it is an ideal spot to be in, and a sales engineer can always claim that he or she is both a consummate salesperson and technical resource, when, in reality, he or she failed out of both business and technical school.

5. Support
Support is where you stick anyone with any character, brains, or knowledge about your product. Answering the same insipid questions over the phone for hours at a time tends to demoralize even the most fortuitous and forward-thinking mind. However, being in support has its benefits, and the wary employer should keep this in mind. Because they are the only ones in the company that actually understand the product, they can easily engage in sabotage and royally fuck up an account. No one else in the dot com company will know what happened, and before you know it, your trusty support rep has stolen the source code, your entire customer database, and that enviable behavioral data. That stuff can be sold quicker than you can say "boo.com". Look for ex-support reps lounging around on beaches in Maui, Fiji, and The Caymans.

6. Chief Privacy Officers
Does your dot company engage in any blatantly illegally privacy infringements? You can bet your street scooter they do. No problem. Take a washed-up lawyer with a laundry list of questionable activities who can't pass the bar, make him an exec, and throw your hands up in amazement! How can the pesky FTC or any competitor claim you could be doing something wrong when you have a…um…CPO on board?! Chief Privacy Officers are like British Royalty. They're best off just being what they are and keeping quiet. Every so often it is good practice for a CPO to appear in strategic spots (like Washington D.C.) and espouse the importance of privacy invasion in making America a better place.

7. Marketing
(notice this description is blank)

8. Account Managers
Account Managers are like well-trained dogs. Their only job is to "sense" that something is wrong. They basically look for signs of someone somehow attached to their accounts that might possibly be pissed off. This is because they know damn well that when an account goes bad, no matter whose fault it is, the fingers will point directly at them. Account Managers have no idea what goes on with an account. Actually, they have no idea what goes on at all. But when those hairs prick up and that sense starts to come to them, they will call an immediate conference call that includes just about everybody in the department. By spewing a string of such phrases as "absolutely!" "understood" and "fantastic", the AM has successfully covered his or her ass for the time being and can go about the day downloading porn or chatting on instant messenger.

9. VPs and Directors
Vice Presidents and directors in dot companies are either hired guns from Ivy League schools and/or internal underlings who threaten to blow the whistle on the dot company for underhanded business practices or simply, utter stupidity. The job of a VP or director is simple. The requirements are few. The only 2 duties are bulleted below:· Schedule weekly, or at least monthly, swanky offsite re-org meetings. Shuffle, hire, and fire personnel to portray a sense of growth and development in this now stagnant dot company and marketplace.· Learn software that will allow you to draw complex boxes and arrows all over a document and distribute as an email attachment with the subject of "new <insert department here> processes. This tactic can be extremely effective in keeping the staff busy for weeks wondering what the fuck they are supposed to do and whether they will have a job next week. Excellent motivational technique.

10. IT/MIS
These are the people that hold the most real power in the dot company. It's funny how, even though the dot company is considered a technology company, they have no idea how even the windows start menu works. By monitoring internal communications, fucking around with administrative rights on people's computers, and shuffling files around, you can really send a message to your coworkers as to "who's boss" around the office. You can also go around labeling equipment as defective and make a lucrative side business selling hardware and software through alternative channels. And that server over there that you have deemed as "off-limits"? Well only you know that it is off-limits because it is your own personal 500 Gig MP3 farm.

11. Creative
OK…you won't make much in the creative department, and unless you are working for a real agency ("real" here refers to operating before the dot crash) you have a good chance of being axed. But shit, where else can you smoke dope all day and stare blankly at a screen and get paid for it (wait - don't answer that - that's admittedly an asinine question).

12. Professional Services
"Professional Services" is a trendy way of saying "Consulting". Between the ages of 18-20, I was employed as a grocery bagger. One day, the grocery store management decided to bring in a person described as "a grocery bagging expert". This person was about 40 years old and had been in the grocery bagging business for 22 years. He taught us about industry terms like "Buildin' walls", which meant using things like cereal boxes to build a little fort inside the plastic bags, then placing less structured items such as vegetables inside. What is the point of this? Well, it was the day I (and all the other pimply high-school kids with complete shock on their faces), realized the value of consulting.