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©2005
Humor Is Dead

WAY OLD SATIRE

Go Winnie!McDonald's Burns in London
Around a thousand "communists", "Anarchists", and "Hooligans" led an anti-capitalist riot in London on May Day. Prime Minister Tony Blair has condemned the protesters as an "absolute disgrace". "Their actions have nothing to do with conviction or belief and everything to do with mindless thuggery," he said. The ruffians laid beautiful waste to a McDonald's since there were no Starbucks closeby. These hooligans ruined the day for the peaceful protestors who "dug up clumps of turf and planted seeds as part of their guerrilla gardening campaign - to return parts of urban London to nature." Cheers!

Government To Re-Enact Vietnam and Kevin Costner's "Water World"
Based on the success of the recent multi-million dollar re-enactment of WACO in exonerating the government, the U.S. will embark on similar re-enactments in the upcoming months.

"We are hoping to recreate Vietnam. We figure we can win this time and save millions of lives. Everyone will see that Vietnam was not a mistake. We also plan to re-enact Watergate to show that no wrongdoings occurred. We are licensing the technology to major movie studios. Waterworld is going to be reanacted to prove it is good, and thanks to Ted Turner's wallet, The World Series will be re-enacted and we'll show that The Braves won."

Critics say that the controversial legal technique may be misleading, but studies show that, for the American public, reality and fiction are nearly inseparable at this point. A recent poll found that re-enacting Monica blowing Clinton should be a high priority for our next president.


Subway Death Study
A groundbreaking study at the University of New York City found that those pushed in front of subway trains were less likely to participate in a marathon and less likely to have children. "We have found a direct inverse correlation here, but we have yet to confirm a causal effect." Says Dr. Mark Snyder, professor of the Scientific Cultural Urban Studies League. "We are still determining the factors involved in our findings. We hypothesize that those who have been involved in such incidents are more likely to embrace a cognitive hypersensitivity to high speed and tend to shun marathons and other situations involved in either speed or crowds. As far as the lack of offspring, we suggest that there may be psychoanalytic imagery at play here. The phallic train, thrusting through the tight subway tunnel, may have a powerful, adverse effect on sexual interest. The study also found that subway train victims experience, on average, a 98.4% mortality rate and are 100% human.

Liberty and Justice for All
In a response to charges of singling out certain minorities for drug trafficking and violent crime suspicion, the governor of New Jersey has instituted a new police policy for dealing with potential suspects. A team of high profile sociologists and artists gathered to determine a "neutral color", based on a composite of all New Jersey citizens' complexion.

This neutral, universal skin color is described as "light brownish-mauve" and was determined by taking a representative sample of skin colors throughout the state of New Jersey. Police departments across the state are learning how to immediately recognize the neutral color and are outfitted with special devices which identify suspects of this complexion.

"Once we have determined that a suspect's skin color is neutral, only then can beatings, sodomy, torture, and arbitrary arrest occur." Reported Police Chief Michael Riggins, of Jersey City."

The state hopes the new laws will quell public unrest concerning the recent charges that officers single out minorities for unlawful harassment and persecution. Governor Whitman assures the public that, under the new guidelines, justice will be served.

"We understand that the people of New Jersey are concerned about racial inequality when it comes to police brutality. Now we can be sure that only racially neutral people will receive such treatment. So far, the program is yielding excellent results. Last week, a Jersey City motorist was pulled over on drug suspicion charges. Arresting officers were immediately able to identify the man as "racially neutral" and proceeded to beat the man senseless. The suspect was then sodomized with a whiffle ball bat and sprayed with 12 rounds of ammunition. If we keep up this sterling record of public service, the state of New Jersey stands as a pioneer of racial justice and equality The national response has been very positive thus far, with the exception of Vermont, whose entire citizenry may be subject to police brutality aimed at their purely white collective complexion.


Starbucks to Trademark "Small", "Medium", and "Large"
A federal judge ruled yesterday that the terms "small, medium, and large" would be officially phased out of the English language in favor of "tall", "grande", and "vente grande", thanks to Starbucks coffee. "You will no longer hear the word 'small' here at Starbucks - or anywhere, for that matter," stated Starbucks CEO Gerald Carter.

Starbucks recently bought the rights to the terms "small", "medium", and "large" with the intention of rendering them unusable to English speakers. "We understand the difficulty in enforcing these laws universally, but we will guarantee that anyone attempting to use such language when ordering coffee is subject to stiff penalties." A judge ordered that using the term "medium" instead of "grande" will result in incarceration in a Starbucks lounge with at least 25 poetry-reading gen-xers and 10 young urban professionals for no less than thirty days. Failure to use the term "half-caf" when ordering a half caffeinated, half decaffeinated coffee will result in a fine of $1000 and a requirement to wear a "Dunkin' Donuts Sucks" t-shirt for no less than fourteen days. Any establishment attempting to sell products based on the outdated "small", "medium" and "large" criteria will also be subject to fines, including clothing as well as food products. A spokeswoman for a well-known women's clothier defended the ruling, saying that clothing sold as "vente grande" sounds much more flattering for overweight women who seek larger sizes but are ashamed to choose "large.". Starbucks reportedly paid an undisclosed amount in the millions of dollars to buy the rights to the former size terms.

Microsoft Announces Next Move
Microsoft and sexxxxx.com announced a strategic alliance last Wednesday in a bid to offer free computers to consumers in exchange for a "slight" tradeoff. Essentially, the free computers come with an extra piece of hardware designed to collect semen and transmit it directly to Microsoft, which will use it to clone Windows users for the next generation. "We realize Windows is a frustrating, and now that people are becoming aware that UNIX and Macintosh offer much better operating systems, we have turned to strategic partnerships to secure our future as THE operating system of…um…choice." Said Bill Gates on Wednesday.

The deal calls for sexxxxx.com to freely supply and distribute the largest array of porn available on the Internet on new computers, to be bundled with Windows 2000 and Internet Explorer 6, which also supports XXXML language. This Beta release of Windows, dubbed "Pygmalion" by the company's programmers…yadda yadda yadda…Master Beta. "By supplying free hardware to our users, as well as the most premium eye candy around, we are making an investment in our future. The open source approach (no pun intended) is a proven winner"

The extra piece of hardware, guaranteed to be "more fun than the palm pilot", is tied in with the pornography the user has agreed to view as part of the sales agreement. Even if the user, presumably male, finds no such enjoyment in the images, the extra hardware, as one insider noted, "simply beats the user senseless and encodes his or her DNA structure to be sent digitally to Microsoft." A Microsoft spokesman puts it this way: "They're damned if they do and damned if they don't…not much different from our present operating systems, really."

High School Metal Shop Teacher Touches Young Man's Life
Jesse Williams, an 18 year-old high school sophomore, was touched by his metal shop teacher this semester. Before he was touched, his life seemed "directionless and empty." "I spent a lot of time smoking joints in the schoolyard and drawing anarchy symbols on my notebook. Once, when I was supposed to read something called "For Whom the Bell Tolls" by Ernest something, I wrote in the lyrics to a Korn song instead and handed that in to my teacher. She made me see the guidance counselor, but that sucked, and just made me hate my parents even more. That's because he said the fact that I was a dirtball was their fault, not mine. But I started really getting into my metal shop class. That's when my teacher, Mr. Grubaldi, really touched me. That's when I knew that I was special and I had a real skill handling tools and drilling holes in class. I only hope other kids have the opportunity to be touched like I did. I really feel like I've been saved.

Time Magazine Publishes Smut
The editors at Time magazine have issued a perhaps unsurprising statement on Monday: that the magazine will relinquish control to Larry Flynt. This decision came after seeing readership steadily increase over the last year. "We have found that the more smut we publish, the more readers we keep. We have fired the last reporter who attended a four-year college and we will go forward with this marketing campaign. Time has published market research which found that reveals a high correlation between the total square inches of naked flesh featured on its cover and within the contents correlates with a high readership. Conversely, high incidences of political, economical, and international affair reporting "kills us." The next issue is said to include a weekly column by Joe Bob Briggs, who will give a breast count in the table of contents.


Anti-Depressants Breakthrough
Scientists found that, despite efforts to produce drugs that stifle creativity, originality, personality, and critical reasoning in adults and children, there are still at least .7% of the population that remains resistant or refuses to admit they need antidepressants and other wonder drugs. "We have asked every doctor to prescribe these drugs for every ailment. Our reasoning is that everyone needs to see a doctor at some point, and when they do…bam! We make the connection. And anyone who shows any type of creativity, or questions authority either at their jobs or at school is liable to be convinced they need to see a doctor anyway. Employers and teachers often require that these "ne'er do wells" see a specialist upon any signs of curious thought or genuine reasoning. The truth of the matter is, those who somehow slip by usually do so because they are already incapable of disturbing anyone or anything around them. We can let them be. But there are still those few that really don't know what's good for them. All the Proxil, xanzac, and Paxizil in the world is useless if we can't get it distributed. It's a big reason 1 in 150 people in this country are in jail. It's the only way we could get to them.

Scientologists Rejoice
The ghost of L Ron Hubbard appeared at the Scientology Center in Hollywood yesterday during services and promptly keeled over in hysterics. Mr. Hubbard was reported to have declared "the joke is over!" To the 400 people in attendance. If you remember correctly, I was a SCIENCE FICTION and SATIRE writer. When I wrote Dianetics, I was fucking joking!!!!"

Despite the laughter that interviews with John Travolta and Kirstie Allie yield, this must be put to an immediate end. I wrote Dianetics as a joke, with the understanding that people are generally stupid, but the degree of stupidity that allows my joke to so widely considered serious that I must put a stop to it before someone outside of the entertainment industry falls for the hoax. Yes, this is highly unlikely, but I never thought it would go this far. According to inside sources, over half of all Hollywood entertainers are said to be Scientologists, giving Los Angeles the highest concentration of stupidity in the free world. "How else can one explain Melrose Place or L.A. Doctors? Asked Mr. Hubbard. Kirstie Alley was asked for comment, but she was barely audible in her stunned confusion. "But…um….do you like my dress?…um…I am a good person….um…" L. Ron Hubbard is said to be back in his grave now, and finally, as he put it "resting easily and recovering from my painful fits of laughter."


Female Orgasm Discovered
American scientists have recently uncovered what they believe to be a female orgasmic response. "It's amazing", says Dr. Less Worth, "It appears that a woman may actually possess the ability to achieve a physiological sexual response not unlike a male." Dr. Worth has faced some serious criticism for his claim, particularly from women's magazine publishers and most of the American male population.

Jacqueline Bazan, publisher of Today's Woman magazine, is on e of many that are shaken by this news. "Our magazine is geared toward making women feel fat and inadequate. 75% of our articles are about sex and most of these instruct our readers how to please their men. If they start to worry about pleasing themselves, then we have a serious problem. We have already been contacted by a handful of advertisers who are ready to pull out if there is any mention of this hoax of a discovery anywhere in our magazine.

An anonymous spokeswoman for Young and Hip Magazine shares these views. "For our magazine to be successful, we need advertisers. At least 75% of our content IS advertising. Our own content is based on an understanding that these advertisers can only be successful if our readers are sexually maladjusted, have little or no self-esteem, and hold no notions of originality, pleasure, or self-determination. The idea of a female orgasm is an affront to our business. Next thing you know, women might be told they don't have to wear 10 pounds of makeup or uncomfortable, expensive platform shoes. Our advertisers would abandon us. Other editors of women's magazines and sexual guides are also scrambling to protest the findings. One sex expert, who contributes to a number of talk shows and magazines, admits that her usual columns, "How to Please Your Man", "How to Keep Your Man Happy", and "How to Please Him in Bed." Might face criticism. "Imagine the idea…an American man having sex for more than 3 to 4 minutes and actually being able to give a woman pleasure…it's nonsense" The Committee for Sexual Righteousness and Submission plans a rally outside Washington next week if the findings are made public and held as truth.


Booty and the HoFish to Kick Off Comeback Tour
A revamped Hootie and the Blowfish are preparing for a spring and summer tour in support of their new album "Hootie Call." The three white guys in the band were replaced by DJ Loopy, Ice Scream, and Sticky. Booty rounds out the lineup, and now takes voice lessons from John Lee Hooker and undergoes routine beatings in order to understand what it means to "suffer." His golf clubs were confiscated and his daily intake of vanilla milkshakes have been replaced by St. Ide's Malt Liquor. Lifetime Original Movie breeds controversy A recent lifetime original movie, "Divorced, battered, kidnapped, and bulimic: the Jen Black story", stemmed controversy recently because of its surprise ending. Etc. etc.


Woman Finds Joy in New "No-Spill" Milk Carton
That commercial you might have seen was not a dramatization. That was a real woman whose life changed dramatically when the Spill Less company introduced the revolutionary no spill milk carton. Market research revealed that Joy Mallery was not the only citizen to suffer the cruelty of the traditional milk carton. Firstly, we project that 90,000 gallons of milk will go down someone's throat instead of all over the kitchen in the coming year. That is a big plus for the environment as well as the economy. Furthermore, the suffering will finally come to an end for millions of citizens who begin their day by both embarrassing and frustrating themselves as they attempt to pour their morning cereal.

Research Study: Nothing We Didn't Already Know
A recent research study at the University of Illinois uncovered something they figured they already knew: that most university research studies find something we already know. "There are serious flaws in this study", claimed Dr. Mark Hamilton, professor of Social Science Awareness and regular contributor to Journal of Objective Extinction. The method are questionable, to say the least. We have come to the conclusion that research in the social sciences has zero value.

NATO Bombs Disneyworld
Pirates worldwide gathered and stormed the streets in protest of the recent accidental NATO bombing of "Pirates of the Caribbean". Apparently, Space Mountain, known to be a secret Serb/Terrorist military compound, was the intended target. The damage was heavy, as six mechanical pirates were among those injured by the bombings. Florida may seem like an unlikely target, but CIA operatives insist that Slobodon Milosevic is stockpiling dangerous weapons in the bowels of Space Mountain in Disney World. "It is unfortunate that our maps have turned out to be a bit outdated", stated a high-ranking CIA official. Apparently, the map used to target the building was "extremely outdated" and derived from "questionable sources", said an anonymous CIA spokesman. The United Nations has
demanded to see the map used on these raids in an attempt to resolve the conflict. "Humor Is Dead" has obtained a copy of the map seen here.

Especially incensed was UN official "Bart Blackbeard," who released a statement denouncing American colonialism and called for a fleet of ships to defend pirate interests "across the seven seas". The fleet would call for at least 6 ships armed "to the teeth" with cannons and "booty". "Yosemite" Sam would lead the fleet, and vowed not to be deceived by NATO forces again, who have had success with the "match in the powder room" ruse. The accidental bombing comes less than a week after NATO somehow mistook a Chinese Embassy for a Serb weapons compound. American officials released an official apology as citizens across China burned American flags and stormed the streets in protest of the bombing of the Chinese embassy. Simpsons actor "the pirate guy", a high profile pirate and spokesman, had this to say: "Argh!"


Flying Yids Stir Up Controversy
Wilburton, Oklahoma was the subject of controversy recently when it announced that the sports teams would be named "the Flying Yids". The emblem pictures a Hasidic Jewish Man with peyot braids flying behind him in the wind to give the impression of "speed, power, and agility." "We thought that the name was cool because it was kind of catchy. And I don't know about you, but when I think about speed and power, I picture an orthodox Jew cruising down the big city streets in his long black coat, wearing those braids that whip through the air with grace and authority. He is moaning holy phrases and knows he is one of God's chosen tribes, and a child of Israel. If ever there was a symbol of grace, power, and attitude, that's it. It is that attitude that I want our sports teams to have: to know that we are God's chosen ones and that we are devoted to proving that."

Though his comments seemed reasonable, and perhaps somewhat flattering, the Jewish Anti-defamation league was uproarious over this decision. In an official statement, Ari "The Tsadic" Goldberg, who is a professional wrestler and member of the JAL, said "There are no Jews in Wilburton...there are no Jews in Oklahoma! There is no defense for this kind of racial ignorance." Coach Clampett agrees that there are no Jews in Wilburton or Oklahoma, but points out that the folklore and mystery about the Jew in Wilburton was what made the mascot so attractive. Children growing up in the area speak of "The Fleeting Jew", referring to a folk tale shared around campfires in the area. Meanwhile, as the controversy broils, most residents of Wilburton are enthusiastically supporting The Fighting Yids. Plans are currently underway to teach local citizens what a dreidle is before instituting the popular music as the team's fight song. TOP Related Stories JAL takes on NWO in Texas Cage Match Wilburton to host Muslim Summit Mayor orders assassination of Cat Stevens Inbreeding theme for Homecoming Parade.

Virgin Mary Appears on Photocopy of Worker's Ass
Michael Jaspers, a happy-go-lucky handy-man from Vor-Cept Incorporated in Jersey City, always had a penchant for office hijinks. But last Friday, after a lunch of a ham sandwich and two luke-warm budweisers, Michael returned to the office with one thing in mind: to photocopy his ass on the office Xerox machine. "I figured the other workers would get a kick out of it", reports Mr. Jaspers, who has been a Vor-Cept employee for four years in the facilities department. "I had no idea what I would find."

A co-worker pointed out the apparition soon after the copying took place. "It was as clear as day...Right on Michael's left cheek...about a quarter inch to the left of his anus...about 11 o'Clock. A closer examination of Mr. Jaspers' buttocks revealed nothing there; not even a pimple or stray hemorrhoid, leading skeptics to believe that it was merely a flaw of the copier and not a true appearance of the virgin mother. One of the thousands of religious freaks who swarmed the offices at Vor-Cept voiced his beliefs: We believe that the mixture of catholic sweat, Mr. Jasper's Christian soul, and the miracle copier machine offered a conduit for the Virgin Mary to appear and spread the word of god here on Earth. When asked how often he attends church, Mr. Jaspers remarked "I went last year on Ash Wednesday...it's cool when people look at me funny because I have that stuff on my forehead."

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Heads From Easter Islands Speak Out on Politically Incorrect
The heads from Easter Island are sick and tired of being seen but not heard. They finally came clean on Wednesday, as Bill Maher announced his intention of having them sit in on his popular "Politically Incorrect" show. "We understand that this show is the cornerstone of American politics and public opinion. When policy makers like Kirstie Alley or Jason Priestly have something to say, the American People listen...and act" claimed the heads' spokesrock. "What better forum to express our views than this show? We have gone without a voice long enough. People are always interested in the Pyramids, or, worse, those ridiculous stonehenge rocks. It is time for the world to embrace 'archeological diversity' and allow all rocks to be heard. This blatant Easter Island prejudice must come to an end for all nations, whether they are members of NATO or not."

The heads speak on a condition of anonymity...for now. Reportedly, the heads have been ignored for years despite their strong stance on such issues as nuclear disarmament, rhinoceros preservation, and public education. The heads are also deeply offended by the portrayal of rocks on the Flintstones and other popular movies and television shows. In another publicity attempt, the Heads are in negotiations with the WWF and WCW concerning a "knock-down, balls out, double-tag team steel cage match" with the heads from Mt. Rushmore. Lincoln and Washington refused comment. The upcoming Politically Incorrect show will include at least two heads. The producers hope to include Howard Stern, Wolf Blitzer, and the girl from Dawson's Creek.

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