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2005
Humor Is Dead

Bush, City May Face Arrest At Republican National Convention Under New Law
Illegal OxyContin and Viagra In Audience Puts Alan Jackson And Scores Of Other Talentless Performers At Risk


4/30/04 (New York) -
A new bill, The Ecstasy Awareness Act, in addition to the Illicit Drug Anti-Proliferation Act, may put Alan Jackson, Charlie Daniels, Karl Rove, and scores of other talentless performers and speakers at serious risk when playing at republican rallies and gatherings, according to worried insiders.

Under the provision of these bills, almost any music promoter, nightclub owner or arena or stadium owner could be fined and jailed, because a reasonable person knows that some people use marijuana and other drugs at musical events. This makes a lot of people extremely worried, including Bush campaign spokesman Marc Racicot.

“The wording of these bills is extremely worrying. Firstly, there is no doubt that Rush Limbaugh will be at the Republican National Convention this summer. His illegal drug use is a concern to us. The prospect of a bust is very real,” Racicot explained.

Some democrats are eagerly rubbing their hands with glee over the bill, which they formerly opposed, since it was mostly democrats getting Phish in trouble every show they play.

“There is no way anybody can be in the same room as dozens of republican speakers and not turn to hard drugs if illicitly obtained prescription drugs cannot be procured beforehand,” pointed out an anonymous tipster. “Look, you’re either going to need some uppers for when these senators speak or some serious downers – enough to knock you completely unconscious – when Alan Jackson starts playing. It’s just not physically possible to endure the suffering one would otherwise face.

Some pundits are worried that even psychedelics will be easily available and used widely at the convention.

“Sometimes, when normal people listen to the administration speak, they can’t help but turn to mushrooms, LSD, or peyote in an attempt to construct an alternate state of reality – any alternate state, in fact. I expect to score more tabs here than at the dead shows I used to attend with Al Gore,” claimed one left-leaning huckster.

So, could Bush and his administration be held responsible for the rash of expected drug use at the convention?

“I hope not,” said Mayor Bloomberg, “but federal laws need to be upheld whether they threaten to leave my city a broke fascist police state or not.”

"When you strip it all away, Jerry Garcia destroyed his life on drugs. And yet he's being honored, like some godlike figure. Our priorities are out of whack, folks. - Rush Limbaugh

Related: Educators Declare: "Alan Jackson Doesn't Know Shit From Shiite Either"

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