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Mountain Dew Pushing Department of Homeland Security for Code Red

9/14/02 - Mountain Dew is reportedly applying strong diplomatic pressure on Tom Ridge to up the nation's Security Advisory System to Code Red. The company spent over $50 million dollars to be the official sponsor of the Code Red threat level, and maintains that the government is "not doing enough to give Mountain Dew the exposure it could potentially receive."

Marketing executives were vocally dismayed by the administration's apparent brand favoritism and made the following public statement: "We spent a lot of advertising capital to be the official sponsor of Security Threat Code Red, which offers Mountain Dew an extremely valuable branding opportunity. The returns we had hoped for are simply not there, as other sponsors have been given ample sponsorship time while Code Red has had limited exposure."

Tom Ridge assured all of the Department of Homeland Security sponsors that, while he is doing his best to give maximum airtime to all, he cannot compromise public safety.

Some fringe leftists have accused the administration of unfairly capitalizing on the new color-coded security system by allowing corporate sponsors. Those anti-Americans were effectively ridiculed and sidelined from any further discussions regarding the matter.

Meanwhile, a Pepsi spokesman accused Mountain Dew of funding terrorist cells across the country in the hopes that Code Red would finally make an appearance. "We find Mountain Dew's behavior to be despicable. Offering Mr. Ridge and the administration millions of dollars in campaign contributions is one thing. Funding terrorists groups is another. They've gone too far." Mountain Dew vehemently denies the charges, despite refusing to allow an independent investigation into Pepsi's claims.

In unrelated Mountain Dew news, the company recently distributed invitations to attend its "Extreme Sports Do the Dew Charity Ball." Insiders estimate that the event may raise up to $30 million dollars for the Republican Party.

The Homeland Security Advisory System is a means to disseminate information regarding the risk of terrorist acts to federal, state, and local authorities and to the American people. More...

Low = Heineken
Guarded = Pepsi Blue
Elevated = Yellow Patriot Post-it Notes
 High = Sunkist

  Severe = Mountain Dew Code Red


Current Threat Level:


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