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2005
Humor Is Dead


Above: Bush emerges from Air Force One early Sunday morning, with his jet decked out in the spirit of NASCAR sponsorship.
Below: Due to the President's sudden shift in policy for clockwise racing, a series of tragic accidents, scores of citizen deaths, and the eventual stoppage of the race ensued, attributed to heading towards the right instead of the traditional left hand turns. Deep down inside, however, many were thrilled by the destruction, and will probably vote for Bush again.

Last Minute Meddling With Race Rules Blamed For Crashes And Fatalities At Daytona 500
President's Insistence That Cars Go Clockwise "Was Based on Faulty Intelligence"

2/17/04 - The Daytona 500 was abruptly halted during the 43rd lap Sunday because the wreckage and carnage on the race track was so insurmountable that forward progress could no longer be achieved.

Sources say that within an hour of Bush's arrival at the track in Daytona, he had met with several senior race officials and insisted that drivers in the annual Daytona 500 race clockwise.

"There's an old saying that goes, 'you don't go to the race track to see cars go left all day'," said Bush, quoting Robin Williams, we think. "For us as Americans to continue our manifest destiny to root out terrorism and remain vigilant, we must stay a course that is right."

Some claim that the "new right" is actually quite radical rather than conservative, but then again, many can't even remember what they had for breakfast, so the point is moot.

Within 3/4 of the first lap nearly 10 cars had already been put out of commission, a sign that breaking from tradition and racing in the opposite direction had unforeseen consequences. In lap 3, the car sponsored by Lockheed Martin spun out of control and hit a wide section of the grandstands. Although the government nor the American Press counted how many civilians died in the accident, the number was estimated at around 10,000.

But spinning it to the positive side, viewership numbers showed significant gains as friends called friends to witness all the sweet carnage on TV. Numerous replays helped sustain numbers, as it does with war footage, and several CEOs made about $20,000,000 by exercising stock options in the coming days.

By the 15th lap, only a handful of cars remained. The Viagra car hit the wall hard. The Coke car was taken out by Pepsi. ExxonMobil collided with ChevronTexaco, forming ChevronMobiTexxonaco, and creating a fuel spill that the newly combined entity refused to clean up.

The final car functioning, the Quizno's car, was taken out of commission by a sniper who had that truly godawful new Quizno's theme song stuck in their head. But every other one of these corporate-sponsored vehicles had crashed in their unrestrained attempts to reach payday at top speed while annihilating the competition, themselves, and their paying customers standing by. With all major hostilities now ended, Bush waved the checkered flag and left the scene. This race, however, was still in the 43rd lap, and will technically never end.

The smoldering pile of twisted metal that resulted, fueled by gasoline that is in short supply, are all traced back to the decision to go right. This decision was actually made by the Supreme Court, late in 2000.

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