Above: Bush emerges from Air Force
One early Sunday morning, with his jet decked out in the spirit
of NASCAR sponsorship.
Below: Due to the President's sudden shift in policy for clockwise
racing, a series of tragic accidents, scores of citizen deaths,
and the eventual stoppage of the race ensued, attributed to
heading towards the right instead of the traditional left hand
turns. Deep down inside, however, many were thrilled by the
destruction, and will probably vote for Bush again.
Last Minute Meddling With Race Rules Blamed
For Crashes And Fatalities At Daytona 500
President's Insistence That Cars Go
Clockwise "Was Based on Faulty Intelligence"
2/17/04 - The
Daytona 500 was abruptly halted during the 43rd lap Sunday because
the wreckage and carnage on the race track was so insurmountable
that forward progress could no longer be achieved.
Sources say that within an hour of Bush's
arrival at the track in Daytona, he had met with several senior
race officials and insisted that drivers in the annual Daytona 500
"There's an old saying that goes, 'you
don't go to the race track to see cars go left all day',"
said Bush, quoting Robin Williams, we think. "For us as Americans
to continue our manifest destiny to root out terrorism and remain
vigilant, we must stay a course that is right."
Some claim that the "new right"
is actually quite radical rather than conservative, but then again,
many can't even remember what they had for breakfast, so the point
Within 3/4 of the first lap nearly 10 cars
had already been put out of commission, a sign that breaking from
tradition and racing in the opposite direction had unforeseen consequences.
In lap 3, the car sponsored by Lockheed
Martin spun out of control and hit a wide section of the grandstands.
the government nor the American Press counted how many civilians
died in the accident, the number was estimated at around 10,000.
But spinning it to the positive side,
viewership numbers showed significant gains as friends called friends
to witness all the sweet carnage on TV. Numerous replays helped
sustain numbers, as it does with war footage, and several CEOs made
about $20,000,000 by exercising stock options in the coming days.
By the 15th lap, only a handful of cars remained. The Viagra car
hit the wall hard. The Coke car was taken out by Pepsi. ExxonMobil
collided with ChevronTexaco, forming ChevronMobiTexxonaco, and creating
a fuel spill that the newly combined entity refused to clean up.
The final car functioning, the Quizno's car,
was taken out of commission by a sniper who had that truly godawful
new Quizno's theme song stuck in their head. But every
other one of these corporate-sponsored vehicles had crashed in their
unrestrained attempts to reach payday at top speed while annihilating
the competition, themselves, and their paying customers standing
by. With all major hostilities now ended, Bush waved the checkered
flag and left the scene. This race, however, was still in the 43rd
lap, and will technically never end.
pile of twisted metal that resulted, fueled by gasoline that is
in short supply, are all traced back to the decision to go right.
This decision was actually made by the Supreme Court, late in 2000.