Contact Us


2005
Humor Is Dead

In a related story
Hannity and Kitty Debuts on FOX News
Following Death and Reincarnation, Colmes is Still a Pussy
Bush Misheard When Telling Graduates to "Jump Off a Bridge"
FOX Scrambles to Get Promos of New Presidential Initiative on the Air
Representing Their Five Media Owners, Toons Grow, Extend, Fifth Finger
Corporate Entities, Government, Enlist Pop-Icons to Send Hearty Gesture to Populace
Journalism Schools To Replace Curriculum Entirely
To Offer Classes In Googling, Blogging, Yahooing, and Drudging
U.S. To Unleash More Weapons of Mass Delusion
The FOX Page at Who Owns You
Ownership, Interlocking Directorates, Archived News & Commentary, and Much More Linkage

$20 Billion Bid From FOX Secures Exclusive Rights To 2005-2008 War Coverage
Long Time Humor is Dead Readers Getting The Sense We've Said Everything We're Gonna Say

7/25/04 -
FOX News has won the bid with the US Government to be the exclusive provider of all "liberations" to be bestowed upon the world for the 2005-2008 season, assuming easily manipulated voting systems go unchecked as planned. Or, Plan B, in which the election is outright canceled.

The announcement came via the jumbotron from a beaming Roger Ailes late last Foxday, a newspeak term for Friday trademarked by Rupert Murdoch, who is undoubtedly the biggest asshole ever to come out of Australia, with the possible exception of Jacko.

Coverage of American interventions will be "repackaged for American consumption," according to Gary McNabe, Senior Vice President of Flashy Graphics and Reality Manipulation. 24 hour war coverage will be shown on the recently announced new reality show cable channel, and will feature special programs weeknights from 6-11pm on its flagship FOX Network. FOX News is expected to be renamed "FOX Reality News" and offer additional commentary and insight to a market segment of functional illiterates, nonfunctional illiterates, and the lobotomized.

Along with the funneling of taxpayer money directly into the pockets of FOX, the deal, partly coordinated by FCC head Michael Powell, grants FOX jurisdiction of at least one army battalion to ensure placement of their channels by the nation's cable providers. The agreement also ensures that FOX-owned stations will be guaranteed placement on channels 2 through 99, allowing for high-defintion, Spanish-speaking, and other variants of their cable channels to appear within a single-block of cable bandwidth. Stations not owned by FOX will be randomly assigned channel numbers 100 through 36,980, which will be determined hourly by a lottery system.

When asked about the legality of the contract with the government, and the enforcement of channel placement, nobody responded. However, a little red flag was checked off in a database somewhere, ensuring the name of this writer placement on whatever report may be generated one day.

[an error occurred while processing this directive]