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2005
Humor Is Dead

Transatlantic Food Fight Escalates
Michael Savage Hosts French Poodle Bonfire; France Plans Removal of Statue of Liberty


Michael Savage (assface, bottom left) hosted a "Shoot, Stab, and Burn French Poodles for Freedom Rally" outside of Charlotte, NC this past week, sponsored by seven area radio stations owned by Clear Channel Communications. A cameraman captured this horrific scene, showing many French Poodle carcasses burning on a giant bonfire (background), while other dogs (foreground) are choked, stabbed, and shot at point blank range. Pro-war supporters and many other misguided FOX News aficionados attended the rally (click image for larger picture).

3/15/03 - North Carolina Representative Walter Jones couldn't leave well enough alone this week, bringing the idea of renaming "French Fries" to "Freedom Fries" from Beaufort in his home district to the Congress cafeteria. In doing so, the government of the United States have shown their utter disdain for the country of France by removing their name from fast-food potato slices cooked in animal fat.

Meanwhile, across the state, Peugeots burn in the streets of Charlotte. Restaurants across town, from the Waffle House at Exit 32 off I-85 to the Waffle House at Exit 33 off I-85, continue to show signs of this newfound defrenchification.

"'French Toast' will become 'Ameri-Muffins', 'French Bread' becomes 'Pansy Loaf', and for undermining the United Nations, 'French Dressing' will become 'UNdressing'," said Biff Branson, owner of 47 Waffle Houses in the greater Charlotte area.

At a local Wal*Mart, the store freedom-greeter explained some further moves to remove everything France from their store shelves. Many cheeses are being renamed, or having American flags applied over the French flag decals. Spaghettios and other Franco-American brand foods are being pulled from the shelves. Even the magazine stands can't escape unscathed, as 'Elle' becomes 'L', depicted with a thumb and index finger to the forehead, and 'Mademoiselle Magazine' gets shortened to 'Mad Magazine'.

As for the French kiss, it has also been changed, to Hershey Kiss, and according to some locals, some confusion has ensued in regards to its' appropriate method of execution.

More extreme measures were being taken just west of town, as popular hatemonger Michael Savage hosted a "Shoot, Stab, and Burn French Poodles for Freedom" rally. French Poodles, along with some other breeds that got caught up in the moment, were corralled, then slaughtered in the name of freedom and in the denunciation of all things France. Savage, recently hired to host a television show on GE's MSNBC, is the embodiment of pure evil, and a world famous nutrition expert(!).

In response to these atrocious acts, France is expected to formally announce next week that it will take back the Statue of Liberty, a gift given to the United States from France in the late 1800s.

"As a symbol of Democracy, the Statue of Liberty really ought to go to, well an actual Democracy first, but a country that's actually, er, nice, non?", said French diplomat Henri Meunier. "One with a freer press, one that doesn't veto so many UN resolutions, one that does not support child slave labor, doesn't boycott the International Criminal Court, doesn't break international nuclear treaties, and doesn't interfere with the removal of democratically-elected leaders of foreign governments."

The French diplomat was soon unavailable for additional comment, as he was packed up and shipped to Gitmo, as he damn well deserved. Charlie Daniels, unfortunately, could be reached for comment, which he delivered in song.

"I'm gonna rip out their tongues, and fetch me all my guns,
and I'm gonna shoot all dem peace lovin' terrorists

Gonna keep America free, from those that disagree,
once I kill all dose those peace lovin' terrorists

... and I've got red in my eyes,
and my skin it be white,
and the blue is the bruise
I'm gonna lash out on you..."

[fiddle solo]

Residents of Beaufort North Carolina, a town that means "extremely beautiful" in French, are proud of local man Neal Rowland, the owner of Cubbie's restaurant and renamer of the French Fry to Freedom Fry, the impetus of the whole nationwide anti-Franco movement.

"We're proud to be home of the 'Freedom Fry'," said local resident Helen Nelson. We corrected Helen, as, figuratively, the home of the 'freedom fry' is actually the Department of Justice.

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