Hell Outsourced To India
Multi-armed Ganesh Able To
Discipline Four Workers At Once
Submitted by Matt St. Jean
& Nate Rivers
- HELL - In
a stunning departure from Biblical tradition, Hindu gods will replace
the functions of evil workers on all Nine Levels of Hell. The decision
was reached after months of top-secret negotiations between Heaven,
Hell and several potential bidders. The transformed company will
leverage many of the redundant evil delivery systems of the monotheistic
Western religions and Hinduism.
Asked about the impact of the outsourcing effort on the business
model, the former CEO, Satan, explained, “The Eastern cultural
trappings will certainly change the customer presentation somewhat,
but I think our Western consumers will adjust. I’ve been told
the ROI differentials are really impressive.” Sitting glumly
in a small apartment in Hoboken, Satan leaned back on a couch he
got out of a dumpster and put his cloven hooves up on a milk crate.
“I won’t get into the details of my settlement, but
I will say it was not generous.”
“My hands were tied. The board went with the recommendations
of an independent consulting group. I have to admit, we kind of shot
ourselves in the foot. We’ve collected a lot of data over the
years, and the research shows that, quite simply, Evil is Evil,”
Similarities notwithstanding, some consumers claim to have already
noticed a difference. “Plagues used to be nice and traditional,
like rats and locusts. But when I got stalked by a Bengal tiger with
eight legs in the mall by the food court, I knew something big was
going down,” said Steven Flanders of Biltsburgh, PA.
A press release issued by Hell’s Lowest Level reported that
business would continue uninterrupted, and that Hell would continue
accepting tenants at the current location for some time to come. “There
are plans on the table to relocate the facility, but please be assured
there will be no interruption in services. We are currently reviewing
a contract for the bulk transport of banished souls. Until such an
agreement is signed, we are committed to keeping the Pit open,”
said a spokesdemon on Hell’s Seventh Level.
Shiva, the Hindu god of destruction who has been appointed Interim
Executive Director of Monotheistic Evil for the Western Sphere, could
not be reached for this story. However, lesser Hindu demons are reportedly
ecstatic at the change. “No longer will we be confined in the
West to terrorizing convenience stores and gas stations,” growled
a nameless Rakshasa from her temporary throne of blood in an industrial
zone on the fringes of Houston.
Neither Christ nor God Himself was available for comment, but Heaven’s
spokesman St. Peter commented, “I do sympathize with the Devil.
I’m under constant pressure to streamline. Like any modern organization,
public or private, we must keep all our options on the table. I don’t
care whether your business is torment or eternal bliss, it’s
basically a record-keeping and logistics operation, and that means
there’s a lot of fixed cost overhead,” said St. Peter.
The exact number of workers employed by Hell is unknown, but is believed
to number in the billions. The potential shock to the real-world economy
is difficult to calculate. Hell says that placement services are being
made available to all affected employees, and the Lobbying Association
of America has announced plans to hold a job fair on Hell’s
Fourth-Level Plain of Tendons.
is no word yet from the new organization on whether beef-eating
Americans will be immediately subject to Hindu laws prohibiting
the killing of cows, but cattle futures were down sharply in late-day