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2005
Humor Is Dead

Journalism Schools To Replace Curriculum Entirely
To Offer Classes In Googling, Blogging, Yahooing, and Drudging

2/4/03 -
American Journalism looked toward the future of news yesterday and saw that it looked like Google. With journalists increasingly unable to analyze issues fairly, check facts properly, or report the real news for fear of agitating their advertisers or the government, it was decided that journalism programs be stripped down to deal with today’s emerging world.

Googling 101: When to Use Quotes
In this class, our professors discuss the merits of using quotes to wrap your search terms versus not using quotes. Additionally, all students are provided with a list of unacceptable news sources, including:
- Any news source not American
- Any news source not funded by Rupert Murdoch, GE, or Time Warner
- Any communist sources, including NPR and PBS

Drudging 101: Avoiding Bias: Shark and Monkey Attacks Versus Democrat Attacks – Keeping It Balanced.
Learn how to keep your web page updated hourly with breaking news stories from various sources. Ensure a balanced mix of views. For example, for every alligator attack, be sure to also report a monkey or shark attack. Ensure that all quotes are taken out of context and used as sensational headlines, knowing that Americans will never check the source. Make sure you break at least one story, then remind your readers how great you are because of it - for years.

Local News 101: People Like It When They See Their Neighborhood On TV.
In this class you’ll understand the dynamics of local news: Fear and weather. The worse the impending storm, the better for your ratings. The more brutal a crime in your local area, the better the ratings. Be sure to provide lurid details of every murder, but temper them with a closing scene of a cute dog ice skating on the local pond. This provides the tidy happy ending Americans require.

Cultural Reporting 101
In this class, students will learn to understand the subtle differences between Joe Millionaire, Blind Date, Extreme Dating, Fifth Wheel, Temptation Island, and Survivor. Weekly updates provide students with a dynamic understanding of an ever-changing cultural America. Regular field trips to working class rural and urban American locations, which journalism students have never seen, will provide a deeper understanding of the course material.

Interviews 101
Students will learn the philosophical foundations of the interview, including the prime initiative of getting the guest to return in the future. Techniques such as praise heaping, negative question avoidance, and gift-giving will be discussed in detail.


New York Post Readers, Morning Rush
Celebrity News 101: Differentiating Between Gucci and Versace
Students of this class will be asked to match faces of famous up and coming pop stars to their breasts, clothing, or private homes. Students should come out of this class with a deep understanding of who is fucking whom in Hollywood, rumored penis sizes, and who has had plastic surgery. Field trips will include undercover trips to the Hollywood Hills to spy on homes.

Corporate Reporting
In this class the student will understand who owns what media conglomerates, what boards the shareholders sit on, and how much money has been donated to what candidates. The journalist will have a clear understanding of who owns their newspaper, radio station, or television channel and proceed to dismiss any and all negative stories concerning any of the parties involved. Special emphasis on the art of feel-good local stories.

Capitalizing on Tragedy 201
Students in this class learn how to psychologically breakdown those who have undergone personal tragedy, including brutal murders of loved ones and victims of war. Journalist will do his or her best to Get The Story First by any means necessary.

Editorial Journalism: The Art of Polarization
Students learn that writing an editorial is not about presenting both sides of an issue and constructing a solid argument based on logical foundations. Students learn to force the reader to think of issues in terms of those who agree with the writer and those that can be lumped into a collective label and disparaged.

Advanced Study 301: Bill O’Reilly
Learn how to twist facts, pick and choose your statistics from any source you see fit, invent convincing statistics, and badger those who disagree with you.

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