Schools To Replace Curriculum Entirely
To Offer Classes
Blogging, Yahooing, and Drudging
Journalism looked toward the future of news yesterday and saw that
it looked like Google. With journalists increasingly unable to analyze
issues fairly, check facts properly, or report the real news for
fear of agitating their advertisers or the government, it was decided
that journalism programs be stripped down to deal with today’s
101: When to Use Quotes
In this class, our professors discuss the merits of using quotes
to wrap your search terms versus not using quotes. Additionally,
all students are provided with a list of unacceptable news sources,
- Any news source not American
- Any news source not funded by Rupert Murdoch, GE, or Time Warner
- Any communist sources, including NPR and PBS
101: Avoiding Bias: Shark and Monkey Attacks Versus Democrat Attacks
– Keeping It Balanced.
Learn how to keep your web
page updated hourly with breaking news stories from various sources.
Ensure a balanced mix of views. For example, for every alligator
attack, be sure to also report a monkey or shark attack. Ensure
that all quotes are taken out of context and used as sensational
headlines, knowing that Americans will never check the source. Make
sure you break at least one story, then remind
your readers how great you are because of it - for years.
News 101: People Like It When They See Their Neighborhood On TV.
In this class you’ll understand the dynamics of local news:
Fear and weather. The worse the impending storm, the better for
your ratings. The more brutal a crime in your local area, the better
the ratings. Be sure to provide lurid details of every murder, but
temper them with a closing scene of a cute dog ice skating on the
local pond. This provides the tidy happy ending Americans require.
In this class, students will learn to understand the subtle differences
between Joe Millionaire, Blind Date, Extreme
Dating, Fifth Wheel, Temptation Island, and
Survivor. Weekly updates provide students with a dynamic
understanding of an ever-changing cultural America. Regular field
trips to working class rural and urban American locations, which
journalism students have never seen, will provide a deeper understanding
of the course material.
Students will learn the philosophical foundations of the interview,
including the prime initiative of getting the guest to return in
the future. Techniques such as praise heaping, negative question
avoidance, and gift-giving will be discussed in detail.
York Post Readers, Morning Rush
News 101: Differentiating Between Gucci and Versace
Students of this class will be asked to match faces of famous
up and coming pop stars to their breasts, clothing, or private
homes. Students should come out of this class with a deep understanding
of who is fucking whom in Hollywood, rumored penis sizes, and
who has had plastic surgery. Field trips will include undercover
trips to the Hollywood Hills to spy on homes.
In this class the student will understand who owns what media conglomerates,
what boards the shareholders sit on, and how much money has been
donated to what candidates. The journalist will have a clear understanding
of who owns their newspaper, radio station, or television channel
and proceed to dismiss any and all negative stories concerning any
of the parties involved. Special emphasis on the art of feel-good
on Tragedy 201
Students in this class learn how to psychologically breakdown those
who have undergone personal tragedy, including brutal murders of
loved ones and victims of war. Journalist will do his or her best
to Get The Story First by any means necessary.
Journalism: The Art of Polarization
Students learn that writing an editorial is not about presenting
both sides of an issue and constructing a solid argument based on
logical foundations. Students learn to force the reader to think
of issues in terms of those who agree with the writer and those
that can be lumped into a collective label and disparaged.
Study 301: Bill O’Reilly
Learn how to twist facts, pick and choose your statistics from any
source you see fit, invent convincing statistics, and badger those
who disagree with you.