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2005
Humor Is Dead

Love Boat Veterans Attack Kerry's Love Record
Gopher: "Sure He Might Have Been On The Love Boat But He Did NOT Make A Love Connection"

8/15/04 - A new book has hit the stores today, causing a veritable partisan firestorm among the various political factions, especially among the Nick at Night constituency. A new group calling itself Love Boat Veterans Against John Kerry has begun an all-out attack, claiming that Kerry's Love Boat service, which only lasted 1 1/2 episodes, has been grossly misrepresented by the Kerry campaign. Several crew members, along with Charo, a special guest on an episode in question, claim that Kerry did not find love aboard the ship at all. In fact, he was described as "surly", "boring", and as one anonymous source said "a loose cannon."

Not all Love Boat veterans feel the same way. In fact, Vicky, the cute and lovable hostess, has appeared with John Kerry on several campaign stops, touting his manliness and his ability to woo "every female starlet he came across". Others, however, tell a different story.

"Reporting for duty, my ass", says Gopher. "Kerry was a creep. The vacationers didn't like him, and he did not stick to his duties as a crew member. In fact, we made a stop once in Bermuda, and Kerry pulled out a Kalashnikov and started firing wildly on the locals. He's a disgrace!"

The Bush administration has failed to distance itself from the unconfirmed accusations. Many believe it is because Arnold Shwarzenegger, who once appeared on the show, was accused of molesting at least 6 female tourists and 3 female crew members during his guest appearance.

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