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2005
Humor Is Dead

Hannity and Kitty Debuts on FOX News
Following Death and Reincarnation, Colmes is Still a Pussy


The Fair & Balanced Tire Center at which Alan Colmes was struck and killed last month. Witnesses said a car that had just completed service at the F&B Tire Center was exiting the garage when it suddenly jeered right and struck Colmes.

12/5/03 - Executives at FOX ensured viewers that the popular Hannity & Colmes format "remains virtually intact" following Monday night's retooled Hannity & Kitty debut. The show pairs right-wing asshat Sean Hannity with "Kitty", a six month old Maine Coon believed to be the reincarnation of "liberal" "commentator" Alan Colmes, who was struck and killed at a Fair & Balanced Tire Center earlier this year.

The inaugural show picked up where the pair last left - discussing the hot topics of the day and how it's all Clinton's fault.

In discussing Clinton's role in the latest Michael Jackson boy-groping-licking-sucking scandal, a heated exchange erupted between the cohosts that, in this reporters opinion, solidifies the fact that the viewpoint volley between left and right remains intact.

Hannity: And in his eight years, I mean, the crumbling family values in the White House, a signal that unchristian, unorthodox, and extramarital sex has been given the green light? Kitty?

Kitty: mew

Hannity: No, no no, you're wrong. You're wrong, stupid, and I'll tell you why. Americans learn by what they see on TV, and to see the president lie to the American people on TV, he lied, not to just anyone, but to America, and to have him with the cigar and the intern and the immoral, uh, fluidfeasting, and Americans, they think this is OK behavior. I have numbers here. Each year Clinton was in office, this is the National Foundation for the Advancement of Christian Morals reported that, and I'm quoting here, the morality index of this country went down an average of 9.4% per year. Per year. That's a cumulative drop of 624%!

Kitty: <scrambles off camera to play with catnip>

Hannity: And the drugs?! What's with you liberals and all the DRUGS!

In a related story, the New Jersey Generals suffered another bitter defeat at the hands of the Harlem Globetrotters by a score of 156-24 earlier today. Spectators say command of the game by Globetrotters went full-throttle following a play in which Jerome "Sweet Cheeks" Sweeney gave New Jersey General Sam Lolance a massive wedgie and hung him from the basket - a play that went unnoticed by the officials.

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