Misheard When Telling Graduates to "Jump Off a Bridge"
FOX Scrambles to Get Promos of New Presidential Initiative on the
marketing department has enlisted the services of former Van
Halen frontman David Lee Roth, accompanied by lyrical masterpiece
"Jump" to serve as soundtrack, to FOX's new live prime-time
series "Jump Off a Bridge". With Diamond Dave as host,
the show will feature lawmakers, cable news celebrities, and
thousands of lucky viewers that every week will have the chance
to prove their unmitigated devotion to the President by heeding
his words and jumping off a bridge. At bottom-right, Sean Hannity
is seen plummeting to his death during filming of the pilot.
Graduates of Southwest Missouri State University aren't exactly
sure when the President allegedly told them to "jump off a
bridge" last Saturday, and many suspect that the quote could
have been easily misheard during any number of spluttered passages
contained within his commencement address. Regardless, the President's
new patriotic-proving initiative has sent the promotional department
at FOX "News" into high gear.
30-second spots show our commitment to our most glorious Commander
in Chief. Praise be to God, praise be to Bush. Hallelujah!,"
explained Fox Senior Vice President of Propaganda Sy Borg, surrounded
by a teeming hive of graphic artists and belletrists of agitprop
screed, all of which momentarily stopped to reply "Hallelujah!"
the possible misinterpretation by the Borg team of Bush's speech,
a piercing, fire-and-brimstone stare was bestowed upon this reporter
that will not soon be forgotten. Equally surreal was the chance
to meet Diamond Dave himself, host of FOX's "Jump Off A Bridge",
as he recorded commercial intros and outros.
the hell are ya... Americaaaaaa?! ... Look at all the people here
tooooniiiiiiiyyggt! Like I always say a bird in the bush is better
than the one in my hand. Does anyone here like to rock and roll?
... Lose the dress, keep the shoes, and if you're still here in
the morning call
the firing squad. ... My dad once said, "Dave you gotta have
something to fall back on" - you know what part I showed
him. ..... People ask me how far I've come ... and how often!
It's like an Amazon woman bar-b-que - naked and steamy, right
before your burning little ears. Hey! You better believe this
is real, this isn't MSNBC!"
In a related
story, the dollar continues to hit fresh lows against the Euro.
Experts are dumbfounded. Absoultely dumbfounded.