Contact Us


2005
Humor Is Dead


Above: A lint trap in a Brighton, MA laundromat proved to be the final resting place of one of the whatever-the-fucks from the Quizno's commercial.
Below: The whatever-the-fucks, seen here in their debut on National Boobflash Remembrance Day, pushed Quizno's subs to the "11-14 male" demographic. "They are maniacs who are so hooked on toasted subs that they created a rockin’ tune just for Quiznos called, 'I Love the Sub.'" Both creatures vanished shortly after filming of the commercial, as did several franchise locations.
Decomposed Body of Quizno's Spokesthing Found in Local Laundromat's Lint Trap
Snuggle Bear Held For Questioning As Search Continues For The Other Whatever-The-Fuck That Is

3/1/04 -
It has two saccadic eyeballs, British teeth, and has been rotting for weeks in a lint trap.

If you said "one of those things from the Quizno's commercials?" you would have been penalized money by Alex Trebek in Double Jeopardy. Enough with the "form of a question" bullshit, OK? Unnecessary.

Earlier today, the search was half-over for these whatever-the-fucks from the Quizno's commercial, when one of them was found by laundromat owner and albino Pauline Ann-Lee Edwards. While giving a thorough "how's-your-father" style cleaning deep inside the lint traps of her Oak Square Laundro-rama dryers, she came across a very dead looking thing, and then got the urge for a toasty sandwich.

"We think it's the singer," said Police Chief Larry Shelby. "He probably was just looking for something warm and toasty, and then got stuck. Dead more than two weeks. Hey, did you know these things have like 10 cocks? Check this out...."

Many photographs were taken as the officer fondled the penes of the badly decayed rodent. This was immediately followed by the urge to eat toasted sandwiches.

Renamed whatever-the-fucks by this writer with ADD and short term memory loss, the spongemonkeys were conjured up by the Antichrist himself to serve three purposes: sell toasted sandwiches to pre-pubescent boys, annoy the shit out of anyone over the age of 26, and show that taking Flash 101 and hanging on to the 4-track can be profitable, and in the case of this writer with ADD and short term memory loss, a missed opportunity.

"Honestly, this isn't a huge loss," said Vice President of North American Yah-That'll-Do Marketing Officer Trey Hall. "The publicity is actually rather good."

Snuggle Bear, mentioned in the subtitle, escaped police custody and went on a vicious rampage at a nearby mall, killing 67. He too got the urge for a toasty sandwich.

[an error occurred while processing this directive]