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2005
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Satellite imagery shows the effect of a massive, eastwardly aimed explosion that has slowed the rotation of the Earth, resulting in a new daylength of approximately 43 hours, 16 minutes, and 29 seconds. Arizona could not be reached for comment.

Southern California Rocked as Massive Explosion at Weapons Facility Sends Earth Into Slowed Rotation
Arizona Said To Be "Crispy"

8/23/04 -
A top-secret government weapons facility in the Southern California desert exploded Sunday night, the effects of which you may might have noticed by now, had this been an actual headline. In a related story, a top-secret weapons facility is no longer a secret.

In addition to the scorching of the Earth due east of the facility, including most of Arizona, the immense power of the eastwardly pointed explosion has slowed the rotation of the Earth, resulting in a new daylength of approximately 43 hours, 16 minutes, and 29 seconds. Casual conversation on Monday centered around the fact that it seemed the day would never end, with most in bewildered agreement.

It has been decided that minutes and seconds would retain their currant duration, however, with a day now nearly twice as long, a year will now only last 198 days. As people will now be getting older quicker, the new drinking age has been set at 39.

Although initially classified as an act of terrorism, the president calmed a jittery planet and ensured people should to go about their lives, but perhaps more slowly than usual.

"Americans from Alaska to Alabama have told me time and again that there are not enough hours in a day. I'm here today to tell you: Mission Accomplished," said Bush, applying his own spin to the issue of the slowed rotation.

 

Bush then signed an emergency spending bill to rebuild the facility and the weapons lost in the explosion, and handed Halliburton a no-bid government contract to reconfigure the earth's time zones and begin manufacture of a new 43 hour clock. A press conference has been scheduled for Wednesday at 31:00 Eastern, 29:47 Central.

In sports, records continue to be shattered at the Olympics due to the weakened gravity, and David Ortiz of the Red Sox has hit the first home run in Major League Baseball history over 1000 feet. In other gravitational news, the Olson twins no longer have enough weight to remain on the ground, and were last seen by telescope orbiting the Earth above Kazakhstan at about 80,000 feet.

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