Southern California Rocked as Massive Explosion
at Weapons Facility Sends Earth Into Slowed Rotation
Satellite imagery shows the effect of
a massive, eastwardly aimed explosion that has slowed the
rotation of the Earth, resulting in a new daylength of approximately
43 hours, 16 minutes, and 29 seconds. Arizona could not be
reached for comment.
Arizona Said To Be "Crispy"
8/23/04 - A top-secret government weapons
facility in the Southern California desert exploded Sunday night,
the effects of which you may might have noticed by now, had this been
an actual headline. In a related story, a top-secret weapons facility
is no longer a secret.
In addition to the scorching of the Earth due east of the facility,
including most of Arizona, the immense power of the eastwardly pointed
explosion has slowed the rotation of the Earth, resulting in a new
daylength of approximately 43 hours, 16 minutes, and 29 seconds. Casual
conversation on Monday centered around the fact that it seemed the
day would never end, with most in bewildered agreement.
It has been decided that minutes and seconds
would retain their currant duration, however, with a day now nearly
twice as long, a year will now only last 198 days. As people will
now be getting older quicker, the new drinking age has been set
Although initially classified as an act of terrorism,
the president calmed a jittery planet and ensured people should
to go about their lives, but perhaps more slowly than usual.
"Americans from Alaska to Alabama have told me time and again
that there are not enough hours in a day. I'm here today to tell
you: Mission Accomplished," said Bush, applying his own spin
to the issue of the slowed rotation.
Bush then signed an emergency spending bill to
rebuild the facility and the weapons lost in the explosion, and
handed Halliburton a no-bid government contract to reconfigure the
earth's time zones and begin manufacture of a new 43 hour clock.
A press conference has been scheduled for Wednesday at 31:00 Eastern,
In sports, records continue to be shattered at
the Olympics due to the weakened gravity, and David Ortiz of the
Red Sox has hit the first home run in Major League Baseball history
over 1000 feet. In other gravitational news, the Olson twins no
longer have enough weight to remain on the ground, and were last
seen by telescope orbiting the Earth above Kazakhstan at about 80,000