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2005
Humor Is Dead


Above: Jehovah's Witnesses have added "snorting cocaine through a two-dollar bill", "medical care", and "skinny Africans" to their signs of the apocalypse list, joining traditional symbols like "mushroom cloud" and "terrorist / hooded soldier".
Below: Apparently, "the way" to salvation is just north of the industrial park, then hang a right when you see the glowing Christ, or whatever it is this oddly uncomforting crowd is looking at. Perhaps it's a television on election night showing that Nader
actually won the presidency, a sure sign of Armageddon itself.
Jehovah's Witnesses Said To Be "Buzzing" About Nader Announcement

3/5/04 -
Things could not be sweeter for the folks waiting patiently all these years for the world to end.

With Nader's announcement to enter the presidential race on Feb. 22, some fundamentalist Christian groups that are pushing for accelerated Armageddon are said to be "buzzing" with the prospect of four more years of Bush. The Jewish community is also thankful for Nader's entry into the contest, suring up financial support from the Christian Evangelical community. This is good, for the moment, much the same as sex with an amazing porn star with AIDS is good, for the moment.

But no special interest group is more elated than the Jehovah's Witnesses, one of the few oddball cults to have its own category of "Rehabilitation for Former Members." For them, life couldn't be sweeter, er, deadlier - we guess.

"This is definitely a big win for us, a home run" said Jehovah Witness spokesman Hanz Splantz, on the prospect of "hurrying up God" should Bush be given another four years of presidency. "We can't wait to prove to the world that I'm right - this, really, it's gonna be great!"

Their door-to-door sales-apostles have been doing double-shifts in Democrat strongholds to whip up support for the independent candidate and the second coming. Most observant evangelical Protestants will most likely vote Bush again. Either way, Bush staying in the White House is just one step on the road to Rapture, but America will need a little help from its friends.

"Just like in Passion of the Christ, you know in that part where the Jews kill Christ and thereby create Christians? Christians need the Jews help again in clearing land from the Nile to the Babylon," continues Hanz.

Hence, America helps. That, and oil = everything, is basically all that's happening here on Earth.

In a related aside, exactly what moment are eccentric billionaires waiting for before they start pooling their money into space travel? A space-based Biosphere project ... hellllllo?
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