Local teen Jack Eggert can only hope his parents decide to move the family out of the country after launching a "pre-emptive" strike on Amie Stanford during a game of Twister the other night. Several centrally located blue and yellow circles were also affected, a hazard that forced an early end to the festivities.

Area Dork Launches Pre-Emptive Strike During Mild Session of Twister
"Right-Hand-Red" Was Rubicon

8/6/03 - A game of Twister has claimed the [social] life of local teenager Jack Eggert, according to phone interviews conducted with what were yesterday described as "friends." Now known as "Pre-Jack", the 15-year-old claims to be "just as shocked" about his unexpected spermshower in front of dozens of his classmates.

Hit in the strike were various articles of Jack's clothing, a Twister mat, and the pant leg of horrified party host Amie Stanford. After the incident, a chocolate labrador retriever who wandered into the room unnoticed was apparently "washed thoroughly" just to be on the safe side.

Tom Jacobsen and Vince Rearson, both in attendance, had few words for classmate Jack because they couldn't stop laughing.

"Total fucking dweeb," said Tom. Vince nodded, then added "Doofus Maximus." Both are considered among the coolest kids in their class, and why shouldn't they be? This is how people get ahead in life.

Sole remaining friend and predetermined virgin-for-life Paul Blatz was asked about the mood in the room following the "misfortune".

"Misfortune?! Dude, he totally jizzed all over this hot chick! How kewl is that?" said Paul, astonishly clueless.

Amie Stanford, the cheerleader and all-around party girl that received the brunt of the assault, said Jack clumsily, and perhaps unintentionally, rubbed his nads against her thigh and elbow during the course of the contest.

"I didn't see it coming," punningly quipped the young hottie. "It was like only the eighth spin and we had to call off the game due to the mess. I'm still just totally grossed out."