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O'Reilly clones incubating in Pentagon laboratory
U.S. To Unleash More Weapons of Mass Delusion
Biological Agents Part of the Plan

12/31/02 -
Should the United States attack Iraq - or North Korea - or even Grenada, it would not hesitate to deploy WMD - Weapons of Mass Delusion - if necessary, according to Donald Rumsfeld. Sources say Rupert Murdoch has 2 more cable channels (in addition to FOX news) in the works, and will make them readily available if called to do so. At the Pentagon, dozens of Bill O'Reilly clones are reportedly incubating and will be ready for use by mid-2003. Other WMD facilities, including Newsmax and the Rush Limbaugh Show, will be "running at 1,000 percent" according to administration officials.

Other WMD, which also stands for "Weapons of Mass Deception", to be deployed include several new Harry Potter installments, a new season of The Bachelor and all its variations, and an increased availability of cellular devises that play MP3s, take digital photos, connect to the Internet, and offer games. "These will keep the public very, very busy." Says one official. "We'll fight this war on all fronts if we have to."

Friends - an old WMD standby that was extended another season for the War On Terror, - is planning 6 spinoffs, with each new show starring one of the Friends characters. "As usual, the winning formula will be applied - beautiful white people with fun, low-paying jobs, no worries and no clue - financial or otherwise," says the show's producer, who employs 15 monkeys to write the show. The question is, will he allow one of the writers to star in any of the spinoffs, as he did with the original show? "We'll see," he grins. "Depends on what my president asks of me."

The increased development of WMD coincides with the administration's decision to employ a global boxcutter defense system for billions of dollars. Critics say more money should be spent on other things. Such critics are immediately stifled, shackled and flown to Gitmo with bags over their heads - as they damn well should be.

Related: Grenada to Deploy Nutmeg-tipped Missiles

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